A Self-Contained Conversation

There’s not much else to do when you’re mowing the lawn. You have to make sure you don’t mow too far from the last row, lest you leave some tall grass behind; and if you’re on a riding lawnmower, you have to make sure you don’t spin the tires when you’re going uphill. Other than that, your mind is free to wander, much like mine did. And boy, did my mind wander.

See, I’ve mentioned before, but I talk to myself sometimes. I did it a lot more when I was younger and ::cue the false pity:: didn’t have social skills, but I still sometimes let my brain go somewhere else, do, something else and talk with someone else. Maybe I’m having a debate with someone about health care reform, or replaying a conversation I had with someone, or meeting famous people on a photo assignment, or creating a fail-safe situation where OF COURSE I get the girl. Whatever it is, the sequence starts almost automatically, and it makes sure I stay inventive and not brain-dead when I’m doing a thought-deficient task like mowing the lawn.

It’s nothing crazy. It’s not like I think they’re real or anything. Sometimes I don't even make it up, in cases where I'm replaying a stand-up routine or scenes from a movie.

Anyway, this happened in my head today. It’s not an exact transcription, of course; even if I taped it, no one would be able to hear it over the lawnmower.

***

SETUP:

Imagine, if you will, a world where everything is as simple as your mind thinks it is. The groups, the stereotypes, the rash generalizations you make in your head are, indeed, true. Or at least some of them. The Vatican got out of that business during the Reformation, when the Illuminati replaced it.

...and right here is the person you’re looking for. She doesn't usually talk to reporters, but she's feeling open right now. It's your luck day. Enjoy the Capitol Building.

Thank you.

Hi! Nice to see you!

Wait... I don’t think I know you. I didn’t ask for you.

Oh, don’t worry about that. We’re all the same.

We?

Don’t you know?

Know what?

I’m a member of the most exclusive and ::quote marks, fake-drama voice, etc.:: oppressive club in the country: The Liberals in Washington.

The Liberals in Washington?

Yep. We’re the people that would have you believe anything that would make us better off and the American people worse off.

Wow! I’ve never met one of you before! Or should I call you one of Them?

::points finger:: I like the way you think. Do you wanna join?

I don’t know how much I would fit in. I don’t consider myself either a liberal or a conservative. I’ve grown ::blech:: with both sides.

Oh, don’t worry; that’s our fault, anyway. Besides, we’ll get you a lifetime pass so you don’t have to switch out when the next wave of ideology hits.

...That doesn’t make any sense.

Oh, you didn’t know? Our name and membership change with the national debate. Makes collecting dues hard as hell, but that’s the way it’s always been.

Oh, so you’re not always the Liberals in Washington?

Right. Depending on what people are arguing about and who they’re arguing with, we could be the Liberals in Washington today and the Conservatives in Washington tomorrow. The membership just switches out.

That’s a lot of switching.

Oh, not really. If we changed for every person and every debate, we might as well just keep everyone in the group and call ourselves the Elitists in Washington. ::winks aside:: But then we’d have to switch between that and the Rabid Populists, and we’d be back where we started...

When DO you switch?

It’s actually not very complicated. We only switch when there’s a change in the NATIONAL debate as it’s portrayed in the national media. Take health-care reform. The reporters who cover the “mobs” show people using different names like “the government,” “bureaucrats,” “death panels,” but everyone knows they’re only talking about the Liberals in Washington. And it’s not the Liberals in New York, or the Liberals in Los Angeles, or the Liberals in Their Hometown. No, it has to be the Liberals in Washington, because it is a far-away place where important national decisions are made without their constitutionally-protected objections heard. There’s enough distance between them and Washington that they can Loom Large, but this town is important enough for the claim to be credible...

But you digress.

But I digress. You’re right. So anyway, we pick up on that cue that we get from the MainStream Media, and we adjust our membership accordingly.

When was the last time you were the Conservatives in Washington?

Me, personally? I’ve NEVER been a Conservative in Washington. Those guys are too backwards, hickish, God-fearing and gun-toting for my taste. I prefer the collective guilt, irrational idealism, and poorly-applied smarts of the Liberals. But we changed very recently. You remember the Blue Dogs?

Conservative Democrats?

That’s them! They and their Republican partners were crushing everything that was good about the proposed health-care overhaul, and the national outlets were all abuzz about the Conservatives in Washington creating that opposition. That was about two weeks ago, back when I wasn’t just an object to swing a bat at…

Huh. That’s interesting. Wait, would that explain Obama’s public lamentation of journalism at the correspondents' dinner?

Exactly! Both the Liberal members and the Conservative members want to keep The New York Times, the network & cable news, and Rush Limbaugh as the best media sources. We couldn’t hope to stay on top of things if we had to follow the blogosphere. ::aside:: Eat THAT, conspiracy theorists!

Wow. I just gained five levels of cynicism.

So, what was it you were here for?

Nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m just gonna head home. ::heads out, but turns around quickly:: One thing, though. Why did you offer me a lifetime membership? I thought you were the most exclusive club in the country.

Oh, that? Yeah, I was just kidding. Only one person has ever earned a lifetime pass.

Oh, yeah? Who?

George Washington.

Right. Friend of the Federalists AND the Anti-Federalists.

Have a good day!

You, too.

Hey, um... You're not gonna write this up, are you?

Are you kidding? Of course not. This is old news.

***

PLEASE don’t read into this. Even I can't read into this.